charly's 5

Sweet charly is 5. I can't believe it. I used to lament each of the birthdays, wishing they'd stay little forever. I have a different perspective these days and now cherish their growth. I want so badly to see them through their childhood. They're so little and need me right now. I watched the never ending story with charly the other day and in it, the little boy had lost his mother. When I explained that to Charly, her words were, "how terrible that would be". She's so innocent, and I know it's ridiculous, but I can't shake this feeling of guilt that gnaws away at me when I think that they will likely suffer because of me. I know there's nothing I can do, that it's not my fault blablabla, but when you're a mother and so protective of your babies, it's hard not to place blame, even if it makes no sense...especially if it makes no sense. I love every moment I get to share with them. Every time they smile at me, it's a little victory. I guess that's what they mean by being a survivor. No matter how temporary or long, everything that I get to experience, to participate in is a gift.