why blog?

Why not? It makes me feel better to write this stuff down. I know my babies will read this one day (hi future Charly and Maddy, love you!!), I know my friends want to keep up with how I'm doing, it's way easier then a million phone calls any time something new creeps up, it's cathartic...especially when I let this thing freak me out...which it does from time to time. I've joked around in the past about being a train wreck, but I think people slow down around me to get a real close look...morbid curiosity? Pity? Well, instead of letting everyone guess how I'm doing, I'd rather put it out there in my own words. As time goes by, my perspective changes, sometimes for the better, sometimes well, that's not the case. Whenever I have an outstanding test, I freak out a little. Waiting has never been my strong suit, but when it's for the fine/f'cked results it's particularly difficult. When I talked to my P.A. yesterday, I told her that I've been having trouble breathing. It's more that my lungs feel heavy, and from time to time, I'm short of breath or can't catch my breath. Every time this happens, I'm convinced that there are metastasis in my lungs, which inevitably sends me into a panic attack (which I can control just by focusing on breathing through my nose). She assured me that I wouldn't feel it if I had mets to my lungs, they'd show up on a scan well before that. It may sound weird, but that has given me so much relief. She said that my lung issues are most likely a combination of stress, inactivity and removal of muscle from the chest wall. Makes sense. I'm fine today since there's nothing to wait on.....but be sure to roll down the windows and get the rubber in your necks ready for my next test which I'm sure will be soon.