downer daze

I didn't realize how much it would suck to get that diagnosis again. I figured that I had already prepared myself for it, had already gone through the acceptance stage and moved onto the it is what it is stage. Well, it's harder the second time round and I was not prepared for that. I didn't realize how much hope I had pinned on the equivocation of those doctors, how could they only give me a partial mastectomy if they thought for a minute they'd have to go back the next week for a total mastectomy? How could they sound so excited on the phone when they told me this might not be cancer, that the pathologists refused to stamp it with angiosarcoma? How could I not let it sink in even on the most superficial layers that I'd be ok, just fine, just a close call? I guess I let it sink in a little deeper then that. I know I'll be strong and fine tomorrow, I can already feel the silliness welling up inside. I can't fight the silliness, I have a better chance winning against cancer then that.