reaching out to a friends mommy

Please know that I'm here for you. I'm so glad that we had the opportunity to see each other recently. Call, email, text, but please get in touch with me. We can be partners in "fun with cancer". We can also talk about the less then fun parts of this monster. I'm thinking about you!

lets talk science

Every time I open up pubmed to do my research...you know, for the PhD that all you lovely tax payers are funding, I end up doing cancer research. Right now the research that has me the most excited is the potential use of microRNA's as therapeutic agents. Too bad I didn't get this blasted disease 10 years from now...I really think that scientists are on to something and will reveal interesting and novel genomic based therapies over the next decade....it's a race against time. Maybe in that same time span, I'll actually refocus on my thesis and graduate..hahahaha

every little thing is a monster

When I was 5, we had just moved into a new house that had an intercom system. Being so young, I had little concept of what that was or how it could be used to profoundly change the course of my childhood until the night my parents left me in the care of my older brother. The first brilliant idea he had was to let me watch the omen. The second brilliant idea was to send me to bed in tears and in total fear for my little life. Off to bed I marched sullen and alone, that is until I heard the voice of the devil penetrating my room. "The devil is inside you" was repeated multiple times over that intercom system, each with a more sinister accent, each with more evil fits of laughter following. I was paralyzed in fear, after all, the devil was clearly inside me. From that night on, I lay in the exact center of my bed so that I could make the fastest escape from either side should the devil show himself. I would see images of the devil in the patterns of my wallpaper. In short, I became insane at a young age. After years of paranoia, I began to accept the fact that maybe I wasn't possessed, maybe the devil wasn't there at all, maybe every little thing, every irrational fear was not an actual monster. There was a nice little reprieve, but now every little bruise, every sore muscle, every inexplicable headache could be that pesky devil inside me once again...guess it's time to sleep in the middle of the bed, only this time I'll arrange, in perfect rows on either side of me, all my supplement bottles for good measure.

Not an idiot at all

In a previous post, I copied an email correspondence that I had with a woman involved with the umass cancer walk. In it, I deleted her name for the sake of anonymity and replaced it with idiot. At the time, I was less then happy that she referred to my cancer as angLosarcoma, especially since the purpose of my speech was to raise awareness about angiosarcoma. Raising awareness about this monster has become a second full time job, so when I thought this woman had flippantly discarded the essence of my speech and edited it incorrectly I was pissed and took it out on my blog. Well folks, she read it. She was not happy that I posted our personal emails and less then thrilled that I called her an idiot. After a voice to voice conversation we realized that our typed to typed conversations weren't working. She's a breast cancer survivor and knows the universal feeling of "oh shit" when the words "you have cancer" are spoken from even the most innocuous lips. She also has a heart and a good soul and wants to help me and all people with cancer. After our conversation, she sent me some invaluable information that will help me advertise our new angiosarcoma awareness incorporation. In addition, she arranged to have me interviewed by the T&G gazette. She's not an idiot at all, just an overworked cancer survivor trying to make a difference...and she did.

researching your own very special disease

Before I went into grad school, I was a technician in a cardiovasular physiology lab at Vanderbilt. A large part of my job consisted of culturing primary endothelial cell lines. As I read the details of my very own special and unique cancer, all the protocols used and cell lines established are the same as those that I used years ago. I feel well equipped to understand in exquisite detail just how fcked up my cancer is, why it's so aggressive, why we need to fund research, why we need to fund it now and fund it well! It really is a bizarre place to be. I imagine it wouldn't be too dissimilar to being the captain of a sinking ship. Intimately aware of all the nuances, but totally helpless with a head full of knowledge and impotent arms as you look down at the unstoppable gaping holes filling with water.

2 girls 2 moments 1 heart

Sitting at the table tonight Maddy looked up at me and placed her hand in mine and said, "hold my hand mommy". So I did. She then looked up at me, with her hand swinging gently with mine and said, "I love you mommy". She must have repeated this 3 or 4 times. I know it wasn't a 2 year old plot to get out of eating any more food, it was just the release of an honest and beautiful emotion.
Later in the evening, I was snuggling with Charly making up a story about a reindeer Pegasus named eliana who went on many adventures and who was, of course, the most beautiful creature to have ever walked the earth. Having Charly in my arms snuggling just the same as when she was an infant, my arms wrapped around her, her head nuzzling my neck brought me back to the day I brought her home from the hospital. I rocked with her swaddled little body pressed firmly against me with her tiny little head nuzzling my neck. I knew then that I would visit that moment many more times in this life..just like tonight. She's so big now, they both are. I've been so lucky to hold their hands, to see their love spill out into this world..so lucky.

living to your potential

Why not? Even if you're a ticking time bomb, you still have something to offer this crazy world. I refuse to accept the sob stories from people who feel like their lives are meaningless. It's absolutely 100% your choice and duty to fill it up with meaning. No one is going to hand you a "here's how you feel good about yourself" manual, but I can guarantee you that if you have any little gift, however insignificant you may think it is, and you push it until it falls over, you'll find a life of fulfillment underneath it...