The gathering

I could have been struck by lightning. I could have won the lottery. Blue ice could have fallen on me from Donald Trumps personal jet. Instead, I got a cancer that strikes 1 in 10 million. A cancer that my very first oncologist refused to consider. A cancer that made him viscerally angry at the uppity pathologist who wrote the word angiosarcoma on that very first pathology report when I was still a child, naive and happy to bounce along toward some undetermined fate....way off in the distance. It seems like a lifetime ago. Time's a funny thing..but I love it regardless of what it lets unfold before me.
One of the first things I did when I was diagnosed was scour the Internet for information about this ridiculous cancer. What I found was a world of hurt, a universe of shitty statistics which dangled time in front of me like a melting scoop of ice cream in the hands of a child on a hot summer day. You just know it's going to end up smeared all over the place, dropped on the concrete and left to melt away before it was fully enjoyed. There was however one thing I found that has profoundly changed my life for the better. The angiosarcoma facebook page set up by Lauren through which I have forged deep relationships with the other members. To say that time is of the essence is an understatement, so we engage each other with no barriers at all, as kindred spirits.
I had the opportunity to meet Alyssa, Lauren and Precious when I went to NYC to meet the real doctors....I almost cried. We met up again in Boston this past week, only this time we added Bethany, Josephine and Wendy. All of us in one place...the worlds largest gathering of angiosarcoma gals. We already knew the outlines of each others lives, but it was incredible to fill in the broad strokes with fine details. We went from 1 in 10 million to 1 in 6. I'm choked up a little thinking about it, I just love them all so much. Can't wait for the next one...

our perfect little lives

Just scrolled through some old photo's..you know from 5 months ago. I wanted to become 2 dimensional, jump into the photo and whisper in our ears...remember this, remember how light your heart is, how routine even the most crazy moments of your lives are, I want to warn them about the wall they're about to run into...then again, it's nice to see such innocence.

The Crux

There comes a point on every route designated "the crux". Thing is, you never know for sure if you've made it through that most difficult part of the climb til it's over. Sometimes you'll struggle through what seems like an impossible move only to find that a more impossible section lay ahead. Only after the route is done can you say for sure where it was, what you did right or wrong to get through it, what you'll do better the next time. I know that I haven't reached it yet, as tough as some of these sections have been, I can see with clarity that the crux lay ahead...I can feel it in every labored breath, in every inexplicable lump, bump and bruise. At least I found a new climbing friend..thanks Mary:)

Angiofamily

Where would I be without my angiofamily? Totally scared, helpless and alone. I'm flooded and overwhelmed by the love and support from my family and friends, but to spend hours on end with my angiofamily, whether it be in person getting "eyes" in NYC, or over email getting down to business regarding research, it's empowering. Everyone has their own unique way of dealing with crisis situations. Sometimes the biggest crises that people have to weather is how to afford the next and best TV that will allow them to anchor themselves in someone else's version of what reality should be. Other times, it's how to still enjoy life while fighting for that next breath as they let the previous one go, never knowing if it's the last. I've been in the presence of courage personified, of smiles cast outward toward strangers projected from the face of a child who refuses to let fear steal away time, to let fear take away the fact that she has a face and it can still shine. What a trip it's been, what a way to go through life, always aware of it's beauty...how lucky am I that they are here with me and I'm here with them right now. Thank you Lauren for allowing me to find you all:) Thank you to my whole angiofamily for your courage, your strength, and your beauty.

the betrayal

It took 2 little H&E stained slides to show me her face. I've known her name for quite some time now, but there was always the chance that it was a case of mistaken identity. I saw how eager she was to project herself into perfectly boring spaces. She's much stronger then I had imagined. Now that I know what she looks like, I see her everywhere. At her core is unabashed chaos, a structureless soul with nowhere to go but out..and fast. You can see, as if time moved in the dimention of the slide, how she races with lightning speed. She strokes her long fingers into new territory, fresh fodder for her unrelenting apatite. Silly us for thinking a simple drug could outsmart her adeptness. She's a bit of a fiend, funny how she's me.

The moment, you know, right now!

Time's a funny thing. You can ignore it completely, in fact we as a society have fueled many industries on just that concept...ahhh how to waste time. You can also embed yourself deep inside of it's complex layers. I've played it both ways in my life, still do, although with a time stamp, it kind of necessitates the latter approach. In my case, as I to delve deep into the moment, It's as though I'm as walking on a razors edge. The moment is thinner then a tight rope. At first, that blade digs deep into the soles of my feet, but I have no choice but to move forward, anywhere from the pain of the last step, even if it promises ever deeper trenches. After a while, I develop calluses right in the middle of my feet. When I can keep my balance, it's not too unbearable, in fact all stress, all worry, the what if's, the tragedies that have yet to befall all melt away into the superficial layers where the past and the future pull me back and rip me forward. It's imperative to stay on that straight line, to not look down lest I fall into the abyss, which I've done before. After awhile, I get pretty good at it and the calluses deepen. They become so thick in fact that I can actually stop walking and take a moment to sit inside of time without having to wander in what's become an aimless yet perfectly straight path. It's in these moments that I realize that in all my efforts, in the B.C. days of my life, I did a pretty good job at burning myself into time and that I can bend it a little so I can bring all things past right along for the ride I'm on right now. It's more then recalling a memory, being reflective. It's a synthesis of everything important to me about life. It absolutely fuels my inner peace and my silliness...which I guess is a redundant statement. Ok, now it's time to watch TV while I surf the net....

when a child needs their mother

When a child cries out for their mother in the middle of the night, it doesn't matter why. A million different things could have found their way from under the bed, the boggy man could have insisted on a visit from the closet, their big bellies could have rumbled them awake. Regardless of the reason, they are awake and they are sad. Only the arms that held them when they were infants searching the universe with a cry for milk can hold them now. Close to our bosom, breast or not, they can feel our hearts beating just for them, they can feel the warmth of our flesh, they can smell our skin, they can nestle into the mommy nook, they can come home. When a mother hears her child cry just for her, she answers the call of millenia.