The train

I can feel the train moving past me right now. I can see it in the ripples of my tea, hear the wheels on the track. There's a plane on approach to boston above me right now. A barking dog interrupts the steady flow of white traffic noise from the highway around the bend. We're movers and shakers, aren't we. I'm very content right now to sit here cross legged, knowing that I'm not going anywhere at all except off to a good nights sleep. Hopefully I'll dream about my night of snuggling with my babies and Ted. Hopefully I'll dream about my beautiful life.

Another birthday gift

When this all first went down, I was so happy that I was able to be part of Charly's 5th birthday. That took place 11 days after my radical mastectomy and if it wasn't for the wonderful help from my friend Verrill, who stepped up to the plate with out hesitation, I wouldn't have had the energy to put it together.
Today, Maddy turned three. I've reached my first goal folks. I wasn't sure when this began where I was in the process of beast control, had no clue based on the odds in the literature if I'd make it the long 6 months to today. I wanted so badly to see my baby turn three, and here I am in tears that it happened. It's a little bitter sweet, as I celebrate these milestones in my children's lives, I wonder, is this the last one that I'll be here for? It's a thought I can't shake. A thought very real for someone who doesn't have a monster waiting in the bushes outside to attack, but in the lungs, or the heart, or the spleen, or perhaps the bones. Waiting, sometimes for years, completely silent so as not to stir even one leaf on the branches where they lay in wait just to come out in full force to take you down.
We took the girls to chuckee cheezits and watched as their innocence coalesced with that of all the other children finding their way from one token enriched smile to the next.
On the way home, we all enjoyed the last remnants of the sun. It had long since set and was most likely interested in the bright beginnings of a far off sunrise, but we still enjoyed the left overs nontheless.
I love them enough I think for anything to happen.

all the good science

It's really happening folks, all the good science is going to start. With some seed money, the project is rolling, but we still need to fund it and it's NOT cheap. 150k year one and 180k year 2. We're at 8k so far and I'm thrilled that we raised that in one week! I'm very touched by the generosity of my friends and family. I also wish I had a dollar for every time I hear, oh yeah, I was just about to donate..or maybe a dollar for every time I've been blown off all together regarding this. There are some important people in my life that have decided to ignore this altogether and that's a little depressing. I'm not asking anyone to mortgage their house, just 10 bucks or 500k, either one is fine. From some people, it would be nice just to get a reply, that's really cheap. Regardless, we're moving forward with this and are brainstorming ideas for corporate sponsorship. Anyone with inside leads to corporations who might want to give money to cancer research, feel free to contact me!

Breast cancer...are there any OTHER DISEASES?

Be forewarned, I do have friends who are currently fighting the good fight, some very dear to me and I don't begrudge them any of the resources available to them as a result of all the research that has been put into breast cancer...butttttt, are there any other cancers, diseases, reasons for people to give their money away? I took Rob to Dicks tonight (wearing my partial wig and no hat just to see if he could keep a straight face as we poked the world in the belly and waited for a response)and there were pink ribbons everywhere. Pink ribbons on the shirts, pink ribbons on the water bottles, pink chairs with guess what? Ribbbbbooooonnnnnssss that were PPPPIIIIINNNNNNKKKKKKK. I wonder how many research dollars vs. making of more pink ribboned crap dollars has been spent thus far on the war against the only cancer, breast cancer. Well you know what? Screw you breast cancer, you decided to invaded me on the sneakiest most insidious terms. You decided to masquerade as a benign lump and then, all of a sudden, change the course of life as I know it with nary a cutesy tata slogan or ribbon of any color to lean on for support. I'm not done with my campaign of annoying my friends and shameless self promotion. In fact, I'm going to be in the Boston Herald next...a whole photo essay on how I'm doing this with a hand full of friends, for a hand full of friends. One life shattered is one full universe folks..that's enough for me.

Boo-Hoo...get over it!

I need a little vent, so here it goes. Get over it, move on, live in the moment, do something that might actually change this world, this now, this moment. I'm sick of the boo-hoo, look at what happened to me, so I'm just going to sit here, feel sorry for myself and bring everyone else down. We can all do something RIGHT NOW! If you choose to ignore that fact, if you choose desperation over living, it's just that, a choice. I could care less what that something is that can stir you from the endless cycle of self-absorbed pity, but can you look for it a little more silently and a little less whiny?

why live?

I watched my entire family running with our new puppy at Buffumville lake today. This unfolded in a whirlwind of clumsy puppy paws, unfiltered laughter from both girls, the giggles of a teenage boy and the look of true joy on the face of my husband, a look unfettered by the recent events in our lives. After everything settled down, I spent some time down at the edge of the lake, Maddy took off her pants and splashed around with Vera while I gazed at the surface of the water. There was such a light wind, but it carried with it enough energy to stir the surface of the water such that the sun would only reflect off the tiniest little waves. Today is beautiful, today is worth living over and over again.

More Honey

I just want to thank all of you who have publicly and privately laughed with me about the honey creeper. I also want to say hi to those of you I've never met. HI! It's nice to have you along for the ride:)