Sunday, October 6, 2013

In the Nick of Time

I can usually keep it together pretty well. I am surrounded by pain and suffering and death everyday of my life, and the span of emotions that I encounter stretch my heart until it's almost flat. I've never lost my sense of humor, I cry when I want, I laugh when I want, but I'm usually in control of myself. But then Jen came in to our lives followed by Nick and ever since, my perspective on life has needed some readjustments. I've had to make room for emotions that are only on the good side of the spectrum, and as great as that sounds, it's not easy! What's so hard you might ask? Not turning into a fumbling little cry baby every time Nick lights up with a smile that starts inside of one ear and cuts right across to the other one. Seriously, his entire face is replaced by pure happiness. I also find it hard to reign in the tears when his mom starts screaming with glee as she sees them nearing the finish line. Every time she sees her son filled with so much joy, she feels it twice as deeply as he does, so you can paint the image of how big her smile is all by yourself with no help from me. Another stumbling point is watching my little girls fall in love with this experience. They get it, and I love them for that. My airborne army ranger gets misty eyed when he talks about running with Nick. Me, choking back the tears throughout it all. The span of emotions is so off kilter relative to the rest of my life, it's so infinitesimally small and condensed that it rips the tethers right off the moorings that have been steadfast in quartering me for the past three years. So there it is, possibly the hardest thing I've faced yet, happiness. I guess there's really no shame if I fail and give in to the tears, just make sure you carry some industrial strength tissues if you ever come watch them race with us!

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