Wednesday, May 16, 2012
From the day of my diagnosis, I have been filled with an unshakable sense of guilt. My rational analytical mind can not overcome the overwhelming thought, "it's my fault that my children will suffer". People say that time fades all wounds. They lie. I have the exact same feelings right this moment that I did the day of my diagnosis. The only thing that has changed for me is the frequency and duration of my collapses into the abyss of guilt. I'll be walking down the hall thinking of anything but cancer when out of nowhere I envision my children at my stagnant bedside. What a drag! I almost wish I was scared of this disease. I think fear would be easier to manage than guilt. I would rather cry for myself than for my children. So there it is, after two years, I may go days instead of minutes without the undercurrent of guilt pulling me out of the moment, but it doesn't mean I can breath easier just because I spend less time under water. I just want to get them to a place where they want me but don't need me.