a rose by any other name

I have been to two Catholic funerals in as many months. At both occasions, I tried to observe with as un-hethonistic an eye as possible, the piousness, the traditions, and the faith of the mourners as they took part in a farewell Mass for their loved ones. I'm a firm believer that we can imbue life with whatever meaning we want, so why not dig deep into every moment and see what turns up? To say that there were many profound moments at Alyssa's funeral today is the understatement of the year. Her mother asking that we all be a little more kind as a legacy for her daughter, the Priest sincerely upset that he had to console a family who had been there 6 months prior to bury Alyssa's brother, the trembling voices of her friends as they read scripture. In the background of all of these moments were the mourners with clasped hands either holding back..or not, their tears.
As I took all of this in, I couldn't help but find beautiful interpretations for things I didn't understand. The incense produced a cloud of smoke that rose up into the heavens, but for me, it represented a physical presence that we could all see, a common vision that seemingly disappeared. I was sitting in the back of the church, so it took a couple minutes for it's aroma to reach me. Then it occurred to me that there it was again, the same presence, nothing had actually changed in it, it was just diluted into the air and had become perceptible through a different sense, yet in a way that was still common to us all. Maybe we aren't capable with our meager 5 senses to perceive what happens to the essence of people when they die, but it was a very moving realization for me that if we keep an open mind, then we keep open the possibility of finding our friends brushing up against us in the wind.

FUAS

You can take our friends, but you can't take their spirit. You can take our lives, but we'll shine on regardless. You can silence our mouths, but our hearts will continue to beat in those who love us. You can win some battles but we'll win this war.

Alyssa Ann Acquafredda

"I don't understand this Cor, how can they be telling me that everything looks so bad when I hardly feel anything?" These were the last words that Alyssa said to me a couple weeks ago. Alyssa was going to be the one who beat this beast, she knew she would and because of that, she did. I could say how much she meant to me, how much I respected her, how she was my hero, how I'd never met anyone more alive then her, how her energy was so beautiful you could feel it through a brick wall, how stunningly gorgeous she was inside and out, how optimistic she was, how inspirational she was, how strong she was.....but all these things put her in the past where she doesn't belong.
I've known for a couple days that her passing was imminent and have been feeling around for that callus that's supposed to develop after wounds begin to heal. Maybe it's because there's not enough time between the passing of my friends, or maybe it's because of the depth of these incisions, but I am totally open and fresh, like a spring flower, to the torrents of this pain.
I am infinitely better for knowing her and will try to incorporate her unique ability to shine into every moment of my life and in that way, I hope to honor her. And as we fight, I will always know that Alyssa has her fingerprints all over the dagger that we're lodging into the heart of this beast.

Riding with Rob again

I love taking Robby home after the weekends. It gives us a chance to listen to music (which we have identical taste in) and to be silly down to the soul. Yesterday we hit some serious traffic on the Mass Pike and did what every mature set of humans would do, we rolled down the windows, turned the music up and made faces at all the curmudgeons groaning about life in traffic. Rob's fro sealed the deal. When we rolled up on people with him bouncing to Trey and his fro following in time about 1/2 a second later, they either gave the "Oh god, WTF is that look" or they laughed hysterically. Either way, it was a distraction for them from an otherwise moment in their lives that would have been considered "wasted". I love that kid because he see's it the same way. Savor it!

Delicious

Ted is out of the house most mornings before the rest of us wake up. This morning, I woke up to Maddy at the foot of my bed, which usually means that she's hungry and wants me to get up to make her breakfast, but not today. Today she wanted to snuggle, so she crawled up in bed and nestled right into my heart. I was somewhere between dreamland and consciousness as the rhythm of our synchronous breathing allowed me to realize how much we are a part of each other, how deep the bond is forged. Not a bad way to start off the day!

Cliche of the day

I can't help myself. Life is a gift, sometimes though, you need to rip all the pretty wrapping paper off, roll it up and cast it aside in order to see what's really there. I'm so grateful that I have this chance at the party.

Little girls, little women

Charly is definitely at the age were she would be mortified if she knew that I kept a blog with a picture of her ummm, adjusting her bathing suit, if you will. Those little girls are growing up, and every little milestone that may seem insignificant in an otherwise busy mom's life, is like a step toward freedom for me. Not to sound macabre or doomsday-ish, but having small children while facing "dismal" odds does weigh in on my general thought processes from time to time..haha. More then anything else in this world, I of course want my children to be happy and strong. Tonight, Charly made meatballs all by herself. Whoopty doo, a child rolled meat in her hands right? Wrong. My child prepared a meal! She mixed the ingredients, just as I had taught her, kneaded the breadcrumbs and spices together, and made perfectly sized meatballs, with the exception of one ginaormous one for daddy:). We stood side by side chatting like girlfriends, and all I could think was that there's one more tiny little thing in her world that came from mommy.