empowerment

I've always loved a challenge, so I've posed one to myself. It's the greatest one I've faced yet and want more then anything to succeed. Here it goes... Can I do this well, can I live in the moment without fear for the rest of my life, no matter how long or short that may be? This is something I'll have to work up to, I'm practicing it now as often as I can..I'd say I'm at about 20% so far. Those moments are golden though, in fact, I'm in one right now. Just dropped the girls off for the day and on the ride home I just let it all in. The sharpness of the morning shadows cast from the bright summer sun, the passion of the artists on the radio, the feeling of my leather steering wheel, the deep channels of my lungs fiiling with air, the tears of joy or sadness combined to form some completely new emotion that I've never heard described and can't quite find words for here, the feeling of empowerment. Can I do this well? You bet your ass I can!

sleepy little girls

Ever have a child fall asleep in your arms? It never gets old. So far that has been my favorite reason for having arms. Maddy cried out for me last night, have no idea why, maybe she was scared of the shadows again, maybe the AC was to cold, maybe she needed a mommy cradle. Those big blue eyes turned from panic to contentment in a split second. Her little mouth, as if tasting comfort, puckered up a few times, her little head nuzzled up to my chest, and then off she went, into dreamland. Charly was sleeping with no covers, so I pulled them up and ran my fingers through her beautiful curly blond hair. She was sleeping but still mustered a smile for me. I kissed her a couple extra times and shut the door. They are wonderful, full of life little joys when they're awake, but true angels when they're asleep.

St. Karen

I would like to give a giant thank you to my mommy who took the train up from Virginia the day I called her with my diagnosis and has been here ever since. She's going home tomorrow for a week or two and is coming back to help me through chemo. Mommy, this has been so much easier thanks to you, couldn't have gotten through this without your unconditional love...especially through the pun phase!

fun day

Today was the first day in over a month that I felt somewhat normal. I know I know, "Corrie normal" not "normal normal". My Uncle Bob, Aunt Mary, and cousins Anne and Tom all came out and spent the day with us. They brought me home made guacomoli which means that they're invited back any time. I've always loved spending time with them, but it was extra special to have them at my house and make them do my work:).I think I'm almost healed from the surgery and it doesn't bring me major pain to wear a bra any more, thanks to whatever higher power is in charge these days for that! That alone is a major moral booster. It's hard to motivate when your still hurtin' from surgery, but I'm on the mend folks. Happy to be alive, hoping the same is true for you!

eating healthy

that's something new. I've always lived with the eat like crap, run like hell to stay fit philosophy. Apparently that's not advised for cancer patients...boo-hoo. Goodbye sprite, goodbye hot fudge brownie sundaes, byby my sugary cereal and hello carrots, black berries, broccoli and grapes. There''s quite a bit of evidence that certain fruits and veggies have anti angiogenic effects. Seeing as how my cancer IS angio sarcoma, sounds like a good idea to suck it up and suck down some green tea. I've been pretty good about it as of late. It makes me feel like I'm doing something, fighting. Never fought with hummus before, this could get interesting.

I'm happy

Right this moment! Nothing special, just the result of cute kids, a good husband and of course a wonderful mommy whose been here from the beginning. One day at a time sometimes turns into one minute at a time, but that's ok. Hope you all are able to let go of your struggles and realize that even if you're facing a life ending event, there's still plenty of room for light hearted smiles.

hitting the gym

Or at least tapping it gently on the shoulder just to say hi. Even putting on my running shoes feels good, feels normal. I went back today for a half hour walk using the rail to hold my right arm up so it wouldn't rub my incision and man did it feel good just to move. I even jogged for a couple minutes. Alas, it was only a 12 minute mile for 2.5 minutes, but I can pull out the big C card and still feel pretty good about it. I miss running so much and NEED it to start getting my head on straight. It's the one addiction that I still allow myself to indulge in:)